Issues of Pessimism

    Let me start out by saying I am acutely aware that I have lots of issues, and I am trying to solve them as best as I can.  Maybe I am a 13 year old Emo kid, or as my palindrome friend  would say, I am only 7.
    When your decent or "good" at everything, life sucks.  God decided to curse you with the ability to do everything well, yet not to be the best at anything.  This leads to a series of problems with a lack of person, or an Identity Crises.  I am not a writer, nor do I claim to have the ability to express my emotions through penmanship, but I have come to the realization that I don't know where I fit in.  I am a musician, athlete, nerd, geek, gamer, dancer, bartender, friend, foe, actor, debater, ad chef.  Yet, I don't really fit in anywhere
     Potter's House is my exception, but even there I get asked questions that cause me to think, and apologize for my behavior.  I have the biggest problem with being a one-upper.  For those of you that don't know what that is, the basic definition is a person who always has done something better, done it more, been there more, had it better, had it worse, lost more, won more, no matter what can top what you say.  I realize I have this problem an work on it everyday.  If I could just keep my mouth shut it would save me a lot of problems.  I don't lie about things, but I feel if I can steal the other person's spotlight, it will cover the lack there of my own self concept and self esteem.
      I certain group of twins pointed this out to me on accident this night, and thank god I kept my mouth shut.  I was asked what is it like to be you. I answered it's great.  I have been blessed and privileged to do so much in my life that it seems unreal.  What I couldn't tell them goes as followed. These are the thoughts that were really going through my head.
     What's it like to be me?  You know the feeling of when you cry yourself to sleep one night cause you feel like your world has crashed down?  Imagine not being able to fall asleep, so you sit there crying until you slap yourself in the face yelling get ahold of yourself.  Think about your worst nightmare, then realize you were not dreaming.  I am depressed, I can admit it.  I am on a journey of self-discovery, and it sucks.  I know I can't have a real relationship with anyone, cause I don't know who I am, how am I supposed to express that to someone else.  Am I lonely?  Everyday of my life.  I think about my friends in their perfect little world, with their very real problems, but at least they don't pretend like they don't exist.  Sometimes I feel like I fell out of the roller-coaster as it sped upside down.  I am free falling and I don't even realize which way the ground is coming from.  Gravity is a bitch, but so is life.
   See I can admit my faults, and I pray every night for the wisdom to overcome them.  To learn from m mistakes, and to grow as a christian and as a person.  I don't want to be a one-upper.  I just want to be me.  Whoever that is, I want to find him.

An Optimistic's Pessimistic View

          This in one of those posts that a first time reader should run from.  If you ask those who know me the best, they will tell you I get in these really pessimistic moods where I hate everyone and everything.  This is one of those days.  I got asked my philosophy on serving and the restaurant business by my current place of employments owner.  Lets just say its a miracle I still have a job today.  I have been working on my temper and the ability not to lose it, but somehow certain people just know which buttons to push.

          I started of by saying a restaurant is what you make it.  You get out what you put in, and you have to keep putting in over the entire lifetime of the restaurant to make a profit.  He stops me right here  and informs me that once you have paid your initial investment the restaurant supports itself. There is no need to invest any more money in it.  I agree and say true if you never want it to get any better then it is.  I can see I have struck a nerve at this point but me being the person I am just couldn't let go, so I inform him a restaurant supports itself just fine when its only the restaurants bills being paid out of the restaurant account.  Also, it would be much better if the previously said restaurant didn't act like a grocery store for the owner. 

          I don't leave yet, i'm just getting warmed up.  He tells me things would run smoother if our waiting staff could do their overly simplistic job.  By this point I'm getting mad.  I let him know that when people come into a restaurant/ bar, they are paying for an experience.  Waiting is more then just bringing a table their food and drinks. They like the cute little server in their tight jeans, but they also expect them to be able to do their job fast, accurate, and FRIENDLY.  I bitchy stripper who doesn't want to work for a tip doesn't make it.  Them same rule applies for our servers.  If we hired a decent looking smart staff  instead of a hot idiot, patrons would be happier.

        I told you its amazing I still have a job but I still wasn't done. :)  The last thing I informed Mr. Denny was to keep staff, you have to pay them.  We have a manager who is paid less then one of our kitchen staff. In fact, at $9.00 an hour he makes less then he would serving most nights.  At our place of business I have worked for almost 2 years, I do more then any other staff member, am one of only two people who can do every position, and still make the starting wage for a new employee.  This is not only unacceptable by my standards, but unethical as a business practice, and he wonders why people hate this job.

        There comes a time when you have to leave something you love to better yourself.  I think I am there.