Issues of Pessimism

    Let me start out by saying I am acutely aware that I have lots of issues, and I am trying to solve them as best as I can.  Maybe I am a 13 year old Emo kid, or as my palindrome friend  would say, I am only 7.
    When your decent or "good" at everything, life sucks.  God decided to curse you with the ability to do everything well, yet not to be the best at anything.  This leads to a series of problems with a lack of person, or an Identity Crises.  I am not a writer, nor do I claim to have the ability to express my emotions through penmanship, but I have come to the realization that I don't know where I fit in.  I am a musician, athlete, nerd, geek, gamer, dancer, bartender, friend, foe, actor, debater, ad chef.  Yet, I don't really fit in anywhere
     Potter's House is my exception, but even there I get asked questions that cause me to think, and apologize for my behavior.  I have the biggest problem with being a one-upper.  For those of you that don't know what that is, the basic definition is a person who always has done something better, done it more, been there more, had it better, had it worse, lost more, won more, no matter what can top what you say.  I realize I have this problem an work on it everyday.  If I could just keep my mouth shut it would save me a lot of problems.  I don't lie about things, but I feel if I can steal the other person's spotlight, it will cover the lack there of my own self concept and self esteem.
      I certain group of twins pointed this out to me on accident this night, and thank god I kept my mouth shut.  I was asked what is it like to be you. I answered it's great.  I have been blessed and privileged to do so much in my life that it seems unreal.  What I couldn't tell them goes as followed. These are the thoughts that were really going through my head.
     What's it like to be me?  You know the feeling of when you cry yourself to sleep one night cause you feel like your world has crashed down?  Imagine not being able to fall asleep, so you sit there crying until you slap yourself in the face yelling get ahold of yourself.  Think about your worst nightmare, then realize you were not dreaming.  I am depressed, I can admit it.  I am on a journey of self-discovery, and it sucks.  I know I can't have a real relationship with anyone, cause I don't know who I am, how am I supposed to express that to someone else.  Am I lonely?  Everyday of my life.  I think about my friends in their perfect little world, with their very real problems, but at least they don't pretend like they don't exist.  Sometimes I feel like I fell out of the roller-coaster as it sped upside down.  I am free falling and I don't even realize which way the ground is coming from.  Gravity is a bitch, but so is life.
   See I can admit my faults, and I pray every night for the wisdom to overcome them.  To learn from m mistakes, and to grow as a christian and as a person.  I don't want to be a one-upper.  I just want to be me.  Whoever that is, I want to find him.